


I Miss You

by MsJackofAllFandoms



Category: Dead Poets Society
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pre-Slash, Slash if you squint, So if you've watched the film, Songfic, The major death warning is for the canon character, You already know who is dead, spoilers in the summary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-09-14
Updated: 2006-09-14
Packaged: 2018-09-23 21:52:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9680546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsJackofAllFandoms/pseuds/MsJackofAllFandoms
Summary: (Warning for spoilers!!)Todd can’t sleep anymore, not since his best friend left him. Neil, fed up of wandering around in an unknown limbo, uses the time he has to keep check on Todd. That’s when he finds out something interesting… but can he put an end to his friend’s torture?





	

_Hello there, the angel from my nightmare,  
The shadow in the background of the moor_

  
He tossed and turned in the warm, quiet room. His sleep was uneasy these days, ever since his friend had left. Visions, sounds, sensations that he was met with throughout the day set off the daunting dreams at night. He was plagued, and nothing that the other boys could do or say could stop him from spiralling.  
There was only one person who could take his pain away, but the fact that that very same person was the reason he was haunted, made him spiral further.  
  
He thrashed out in his sleep.

  
_The unsuspecting victim_

  
What Todd was unaware of though, was that his friend, the one who could take all the pain away, was there. He was watching over him. Granted, he couldn’t be there in physical form, but he was there, lying in the bed he used to inhibit nightly when he was alive. Had he been in need of sleep at that time, he would have slept, just like he used to.  
  
Neil knew that the victims of his actions where those left behind, and for that he was very sorry. He didn’t mean to cause anyone pain, he didn’t know just how much pain it would have caused anyone. He didn’t know how much pain it would cause Todd most of all.  
  
So, he watched over him. The biggest victim of Neil’s seemingly spontaneous actions. He hoped Todd knew that he was there; he hoped that he knew that Neil would never abandon him completely.  
  
Todd, getting more agitated in his sleep, rolled completely over, tangling himself further into his sheets.

  
  
_I cannot sleep_  
I cannot dream tonight  
I need somebody and always   
This sick strange darkness   
Comes creeping on   
So haunting every time

  
Night after night, thrashing, rolling and crying out was what Neil was met with. He almost wished he could turn back time, that he never saved himself from pain. But he couldn’t turn back time, so a ghostly figure he had to remain. A ghostly figure, that watched his friend every night experience torture and taunting from his own mind in his sleep.

  
_Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?_  
Stop this pain tonight   
Don’t waste your time on me  
You’re already the voice inside my head  
I miss you

  
The breathing of the troubled boy stopped being erratic and struggled so suddenly, that if Neil was able to, he would have gone dizzy from fright. He hoped, in all his spirit splendour, hoped that this was because Todd had finally found peace within his slumber. He was wrong. He made a glance over to Todd, and was not really shocked to see him in bed, alert and trying to calm his own breathing.  
  
Despite his breathing calming down steadily, Neil and Todd both knew that nothing was at ease. Neil also knew that if Todd had known, he would have shown severe discomfort at being watched so constantly. Embarrassed by the lime-light even in this situation. So he turned his attention to the ceiling, listening to the quiet outside which leaked through the sound of Todd’s breathing.   
  
“A familiar situation” Neil thought to himself. “Only difference is, now I can’t even try to help you”.  
  
 _I miss you_

  
“I don’t blame you, Neil”  
  
Startled, Neil glanced at Todd. He was looking up at the ceiling, positioned in a slumping sitting position that would allow him to sleep easily if It called, but slump comfortably if it didn’t. He didn’t know his words were being heard. Neil was slightly glad about this. He knew that somewhere along the lines, if Todd knew he was being heard, he’d clam up and not say anything, but Neil also knew that this was invading in his friend’s personal thoughts. He knew how his friend would react, with severe discomfort, if he found out, “But what he doesn’t know, won’t hurt him” compromised Neil. And besides, he needed to hear what his friend had to say. He did do courteous thing though, and kept his eyes on the ceiling, as though his friend were exposing himself in more than one way.  
  
“I miss you, but, I don’t blame you. You did what you thought you had to do, you seized the day and you proved yourself as a fighter. You also proved to me that you were human. I’m thankful for that small miracle.” Todd’s voice began to waiver. Neil laid there, wondering what Todd meant, when Todd carried on with his soliloquy of thoughts; “You seemed so indestructible. You did so many things that I couldn’t do, things I wish I could, but then, the second I was hit by the spotlight, I just clammed up. You and Keating, you helped me. The day I made that poem up on the spot, about the… the sweaty-toothed mad man a-a-and a blanket of truth, I was so angry at Keating. He knew that I really hated being s-seen; yet, he pulled me up there and forced me to bare my soul. I really just let the words flow out without thinking, and before everyone started c-c-clapping and cheering, I hated him. And I hated you, too. I knew that you could easily do that, whether acting or for real, you had the confidence. And everyone loved you, so they’d love your poetry. I couldn’t believe people clapped, and cheered. Keating told me to n-never forget it. I never will, Neil, I’ll never forget the feeling...and I’ll never forget that look of awe on your-on your face.”  
  
Todd breathed out heavy. His voice was shaky, and wavering, but there was something there that never really registered before.

“Maybe once” thought Neil, “the day Keating went to collect his personals, and you stood on your desk, and daringly said ‘Oh Captain, My Captain’.” Yes, he saw that too. Neil was lost, though. All these words, more in those sentences, all at once, in a thought-processed spiel, than Todd had ever said at once when Neil was around.

  
_Don’t waste your time on me_  
You’re already the voice inside my head  
I miss you 

  
Todd’s breathing started hitching. The tell-tale signs of crying. Amazingly, despite the fact that he was no longer in body, just in spirit, Neil’s own emotions started up. He felt guilty because he inflicted this pain onto someone who cared so much about him, he felt uncomfortable because he’d never seen many males lose themselves in grief. He knew that he’d comfort someone without question, but in that kind of situation, he wouldn’t know how. Neil contemplated going over to Todd’s bed. He knew it wouldn’t do anything, but maybe, just maybe Todd would feel something and be comforted by that.  
  
Todd sighed, and started speaking again.  
  
“God, Neil. If only I’d have told you. You were my best friend here. I hope you forgive me for being….for b-b-being so…afraid…” Todd gave a meaningful look to the ceiling, tears running down his face “I know you’re gone, I know...I know y-y-you’re not coming back, but, please, Neil, if you’re listening, you changed my life. You took me out of my shadows, you and Mr Keating, shoved me to be out of my shell. And I thank you, I th-thank you both. And I’ll always miss you both, but you…you’ll never return.”

  
_Don’t waste your time on me_  
You’re already the voice inside my head  
I miss you 

  
He silently laid his head on the pillow, and with tears in his eyes, settled to sleep. For the first time, in many, many days, he slept with ease. Neil couldn’t help but be awed by what Todd had to say, and even though he hadn’t said it whilst in front of people, Neil saw the confidence within Todd glow. It had taken a lot for him to say that, even if it was just to the ceiling, well what he thought was just the ceiling, and Neil was touched.   
  
And now he had a lot to think about, before he returned to Todd the next time. Sure, Todd was at ease, but he was still in pain, and that’s why Neil was watching after him. He had to settle his friend’s pain, before both of them could move on. If he knew anything from being alive, it was that shadows can’t disappear forever. Todd’s grieving wouldn’t go away until he could let his shadows go, even if Niel himself was the shadow.


End file.
